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Significant Differences
by
Julie Freeman
Recently
I had the opportunity to preview a set of professional guidelines for
transgendered folk with the opportunity for feedback as a significant
other. While most of us are aware of the wide variety of
behaviors among the transgendered crowd, I believe it is equally of
value to be aware of the significant differences between significant
others. Significant others vary as any group - age, sexual
preference, children, religion, economic standing, etc. Any set
of guidelines for the transgendered, particularly medical, must take
into account significant others, recognizing their differences and
addressing their specific needs and concerns.
Significant others vary widely - some support their partners
wholeheartedly in whatever way they can, whether it be by attending
various support groups or participating in social functions.
Others prefer to distance themselves from the phenomenon, but are
sympathetic. And, of course, not just a few, are so hostile and
resentful that separation, if not divorce, may result. Many fall
somewhere along the aforementioned spectrum, not totally supportive,
not totally critical. Their acceptance in whatever form is shaped
also by the particular gender needs of their partner.
Some significant others may only have to deal with their partners'
desire to crossdress. Their concerns might revolve around
children, family members, jobs, friends, money and time spent on the
crossdressing. Others face more serious problems if their
partners are transsexual or believe themselves to be transsexual; in
addition to the areas already listed, they face concerns and questions
about electrolysis, hormones, sexual reassignment surgery, and, above
all, the possible loss of the person they married or with whom they
have a deep commitment.
Therefore guidelines for those seeking hormone treatment and/or perhaps
sexual reassignment surgery should include the family of the
transsexual, in particular the wife, recognizing that a variety of
acceptance levels must be considered. Although guidelines now
stress that hormone treatment should never be started too quickly,
definitely, treatment should not be started without the wife being made
aware of the decision, whether she is understanding or not. It is
her right to know - whether she chooses to be supportive or not is a
matter to be left between the husband and wife. This is not to
say that hormone treatment needs the wife's permission; but she needs
to be informed. This should be done in the appropriate setting by
the helping professional before a prescription is rendered. Since
hormones tend to pop up among the transgendered, some legally obtained,
others not, perhaps a guide on proper hormone treatment written
specifically for the wives, including questions wives in particular may
have, should also be made available.
Any decisions made regarding surgery should be made with the knowledge
of the wife also. Although some transsexuals may not wish to
consult their families or feel this is their business only, if they are
married, again the wife has the right to know. If the transsexual
feels that there is no way he can involve his wife, then perhaps he
needs more time to consider his change. Certainly taking time to
consider the realities is far more prudent than going ahead, informing
no one, and then perhaps discovering too late that the wrong course was
taken. Although I would like to suggest that the children be
told, I believe this would be too hard as the ages and maturity levels
differ so it would be difficult to construct a standard that would meet
everyone's need. That decision would be best left to the
transsexual and his wife.
Support groups do exist for significant others but they are not
equipped to deal with the more serious issues, such as SRS, as these
must be addressed by professionals. Therefore any guidelines
written for the transgendered by professionals MUST consider the
significant other, particularly those involved with transsexuals, and
would be remiss if they did not do so.
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